The Clown In Formal Shoes

You have to wonder about the Tories and their commitment to the union, when they are prepared to anoint a clown as their Scottish branch manager. It matters not how they dress the clown. A mid priced suit from Slaters and to finish off the ensemble, a pair of black leather brogues from the house of Coco. However they try to present him a clown, is a clown … is a clown.

In Scotland since his unchallenged anointment by the head of the U.K. association of Tory clowns Bojo and arch clown villains Demonic Cummings, we have had a regular Dougie fest on TV, radio and in the press. It’s starting to feel like saturation point already, but more importantly tired. Reminding us of the days when TV companies discovered they could get any fame hungry punter, to perform like a seal on a reality TV show, for the fraction of the cost of getting a writer to come up with a gripping drama. Anyway thankfully Netflix has weaned most Scots off of Britnats have less talent than a goldfish and George Galloway is as equally a prick as the neighbours cat that shits in your garden without having to act like one for attention. Even when we are no longer watching BBC Scotland, we are still getting the highlights of the clown show on social media.

Here is the rub, wee Dougie’s clown show isn’t funny, entertaining or informative. There is actually nothing more annoyingly puerile than a clown trying to act seriously. The whole “Proud Scot” act doesn’t work. Why? Because the people who buy into your beliefs and lies hate the concept of Scottish nationhood, they look down their noses at people who take pride in their country and it’s achievements. Prime example if you were proud of Scotland, you would be outraged at the brazen attempt to eviscerate our branding.

Thursdays episode of Dougie the clown show was his biggest yet, it was supposed to be his breakthrough moment, the stage was set up to catapult him into superstardom. What happened was more embarrassing than if Wee Dougie tripped over his formal shoes and face planted into Fiona Bruce’s bosom. Coming across as a condescending wee creep, Dougie tried to use lies and a made up narrative to diminish Katie Forbes. Except what happened is she saw his pie of lies coming and absolutely flattened him with a pie of facts sending him arse over head. So much so Wee Dougie’s management had to edit the repeat to a meaningless rant.

Comedy is all about timing and from Wee Dougie’s act it’s blindingly apparent he has none. The only thing left is for a BritNat clown finale where wee Dougie and his entourage of side show Annie, the Mad Professor, Murdo, Maurice, Jamie, Carlaw and the bull rider to squeeze into a mini with a Union Jack roof and tail lights. Just as the sun is setting and they drive away down south the wheels come off and they all get out and start stabbing each other in the back, we can all laugh and breath a sigh of relief as the Union clown show is finally over!

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